:: a.whisper.in.water ::

:: Saturday, September 06, 2003 ::

Cracks in the Clouds

Can we hold here? This is beautiful. It's mostly a feeling, I'll admit, but I don't mind. It's six in the morning, and finally, finally, I've dared to feel hopeful again about being happy. Anne warned me against overusing my blood-metaphor, but whatever. I've got blood again, straight from the only place I could realistically get it from: Jenn. We probably just needed some time to get acclimated, and figure out how to resolve our feelings with our circumstances. We're not broken up; we're taking a break. That's an important distinction. We're not noncommunicative; we're talking tons over the phone, and hey, benefits. I can't believe my good fortune at her recent nightowl trends; to be able to talk with her until 6am is a pleasure I've never expected to enjoy.

I could and would go on, but it's actually six in the morning, and I should sleep as soon as possible. However, it wouldn't be possible to sleep without registering my joy at this moment (albeit publicly, but I think you'll be glad not to deal with mopey Aziz for another day), especially given how devastatingly awful last night/today felt prior to now. I mean, at 1:30am on a Friday night/Saturday morning, I just gave up on the whole affair and crawled into bed with all my clothes on.

Basically, I know, and feel that she loves me. I feel that she cares for our mutual happiness down the road the same way I do. And I know that we're still best friends the way we have been for three years. Do I dare to feel optimism? As far as the ever-elusive spice goes, YEAH. Hell, I'm not even thinking about the wide world of possibilities that comes with a break I'm s'posed to be engaging with discretion. In that regard, I am, again, a small, terrified boy in middle school with barely enough courage to AIM-speak someone into the ever-pathetic question: do you like me? Oh well. Jenn and I are talking it out, and if nothing else, I've got faith in my ability to not screw up things beyond repair (Lawyer skills, tongue of gold! Go!)

On the upsidedownside, Christian's coming back to the east coast tomorrow, bringing with him an unofficial goodbye to nice long evenings with Annie, which is (and here I speak in jest) probably a good thing; a few nights ago, I was willing to admit musical worth to "Anna Begins" on the grounds of (gasp!) superb lyricism on the Orson Wells-proportioned Adam Duritz. But I am not overly concerned. Odds are we'll find a new equilibrium that won't make her+Christian unhappy, or Jenn+I unhappy, and hopefully it'll still allow me to spend pleasant long stretches with her without stepping on any number of toes.

Music: Bjork - Greatest Hits

:: Aziz 5:12 PM [+] ::
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