:: a.whisper.in.water ::

:: Thursday, November 28, 2002 ::

Dad (to me and my brother) : [paraphrased] I think the both of you should come here and transfer to Maryland.
Me: I think you should start a small fire and throw that aspiration directly into it.

It's a lost cause, really. He cannot, cannot understand. I tried to tell him that this whole shit with having to get excellent grades was failing badly. I start telling him that I've been feeling badly, and get this past-condescending mocking reply. Fuck him, he never should have had virile sperm in the first place. I'm slightly sickened at being someone railing and cursing in their diary against their parents, but I'll get over it quick. I think I should triple my liquid assets and snag a 20. This game has always been that way; bad parenting will cost you concrete sums. I mean, it's probably costing me, but I can't say things like that. I'm actually not allowed to say things to the effect of "I don't have it all that great." I guess that may include things to the effect of "I have a problem," it depends on how self-aware/repressive I'm being. More stuff to work through. I can hardly wait. Baby.

I escaped, though, for a brief evening, a brief hour. It snowed. Keith maintains he'd never seen me that happy. I was certainly delerious. I'm in love with snow, without a doubt. I walked around, arms outstretched [in your jesus christ pose] trying to touch as much as I could...just feeling it kiss my skin, soft icepricks, water's most ascended form...I was laughing, maniacally most of the time. It feels at least a week ago, yesterday though it may have been. I don't know that I'd ever freed myself of my studying obligations so completely. I attributed the joy to that at the time, half-panting, half-crying that there wasn't anything else I could have done, that I was just doing what I had to, and it felt absurdly right. I miss that hour.

All your life / it's just a shame / shame / shame / all your love / is just a dream / dream / dream


:: Aziz 4:23 AM [+] ::
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