:: a.whisper.in.water ::

:: Saturday, March 08, 2003 ::

Big Chubby Balls
It would appear that any way I slice it, taking any sort of proactive role in maximizing what can be gotten from my present arrangement is, in fact, completely counter to being happy. Perhaps it was there all along, waiting to eat me, or perhaps it was awakened by my issues with the old relationship, but the total lack of self-esteem on Jenn's part has her in sad confusion as to why I'm even still talking to her, I guess. It's impossible for her to regard my assertion that I've looked at all the options, and that a relationship with her is the best of them, with any seriousness as a result of this; it's convenient for her to think I'm self-deluded. As a consequence of hearing this perhaps one time too many, I essentially dared her to be who she really is, if this "real her" is so awful, then. Odds are it's a vain hope to think that even after a conversation like this, and time to show some sort of true nature, that this issue of self-delusion will really ever be put to rest; it's irrationally based. So, what's my correct course of action? Don't do anything, and wait it all out. Talk to Jenn, even if it's not as warm as you want it to be, because after all, talking to anyone else isn't going towards what's best. Ugh, a relationship like a suppository for the common cold; I'm wondering, wondering if I didn't just screw my entire life up some three weeks ago.

Oh well. I suppose I'll try to make the most of it. This may involve snapping and making out with men, not that this hasn't been in the wings for at least 14 years.

Time to get to sleep, so I can finish my third quarter and go home at some sort of self-respecting hour, fuck me.

Music of the Moment : Coldplay - The Scientist


:: Aziz 5:53 AM [+] ::
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