:: a.whisper.in.water ::

:: Tuesday, June 17, 2003 ::

...and if i could be / who You wanted...
:: Another letter in blog form (sorry kids) ::

I really hope this is too. I also felt that misfortunate reservation, that "I really want to get close but well, let's see, the past ten or so times I did, this happened" feeling, and a simple desire to feel comfortable.

Today, I sort of do, though. I felt good thinking about the conversation we had last night. Although I'd say I desperately wanted our relationship to work, I'm not really feeling all that desperate, the way I did when I wasn't sure everything was okay. I'm far more concerned about screwing up, but I'm certainly not desperate.

You really needn't feel so envious about me having many potential cuddle-withs. I don't use them the way you think I do. It's not something I hold over you, or anything as silly as that. I just don't feel as right going to other people when we're having trouble anymore, and so I've gotten quite good at keeping it to myself. Though I don't mean to be disempowering, you don't really have the right to feel like I'm protected by this infinite social network while you're all alone, because fundamentally, I share your isolation, because I'm in love with you, and only you can make things feel truly better.

You're dealing with a scientist, in part, which is bad for asking questions when you want absolute answers, but I can tell you that, to the best of my present ability to resolve my feelings, I am, in fact, in love with you. It feels good thinking about you, thinking about being warm towards you, and seeing you again. My devotion never really should have come into question, though. You be the judge of it, I guess, but though the feeling of electricity at the touch may have gone dull, that certainly doesn't mean I start thinking everyone's fair game to just dry-hump with my emotional problems until they make the first move, or something. It's absurdly important that I not to the wrong thing even to myself, which sort of means that I do my best not to inspire your malice and ill-will. I'm still singing Spiritualized to myself. I'm still singing Spiritualized to you. I'm still planning on seeing you next weekend.

I still love you.

:: Aziz 2:24 PM [+] ::
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