:: a.whisper.in.water ::

:: Sunday, September 28, 2003 ::

[ Everybody. Especially Me, But Especially Everybody ]
Welcome to phase two: fierce numbness-denial, occasionally bordering on fear. Not a drained bleeding this time, but (if not fixed quickly) a general fading from here, a general withdrawal into a frontier full of distraction and industry, of Grandaddy and Blur, of weak smiles that don't extend to my eyes, of headphones and numbness; I'll see you all on the other side. I suppose that she's been gone for a month now, and that this really shouldn't inspire this reaction. Maybe it shouldn't anyway, that it's not healthy to be so given to someone, but that doesn't change the fact that I am. GOD I'm numb. It took a healthy slug from Allison and an elbow from Leah to the sternum to get me to feel anything. The filters have to go up, the behavior normalizers, the comfort routines, the escapes, or Else.

Oh, holy shit. It's the twenty-eight. It's clawing to get in, a wolf at the door (so to speak, so to speak). Back in a slash. At least she didn't leave all her birthday gifts here in a rage. I detest myself in that moment so thoroughly, I'd probably beat the shit out of myself given the opportunity. As it is, I scar too easily. I can't stand this. I can't stand myself. I can always, however nasty I become, stand her.

Even if she's actually Gone this time, she probably won't stay gone.
Right?

Music: Grandaddy - Miner at the Dial-a-View/So You'll Aim Towards The Sky

:: Aziz 5:14 AM [+] ::
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