:: a.whisper.in.water ::

:: Thursday, October 02, 2003 ::

[ Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Sun ]
As much as it can suck, role reversal does do good things for one's sense of understanding. The past few hours have been mostly trying to internalize a positive attitude concerning the stark reality of Jenn's seeing her James (Who is this kid?? For God's sake, you met him through NEXUS) Friday night. I realize that this is multiple days from now, but it's huge. Really, it's the most deliberate, planned step taken with anyone outside of the relationship by a factor of ten, easy. And as important as it is for me to be strong so everything can be Okay (which is a bad consequence of a Good Thing: her caring about me), it's impossible for me not to admit I'm really fucking anxious, bordering on (okay fine, well over the line into) obsessed. I haven't been able to work, and the backreading and physics papering that was supposed to get done today just didn't happen, though I did try, to be fair. The whole thing is totally fine within the confines of That-Which-Is-Allowed, but some monogamous subcomponent of my brain hasn't stopped shouting for the past 12 hours. I suppose this is my final penance, my best chance to understand how Jenn felt the two times that I took advantage of similar freedom, only with advance warning and a far greater taking advantage on her part. (A motel room in Wayne, New Jersey indeed. I can't shake it, I can't shake it...) I'm certainly learning all about it; I don't have a choice otherwise.

Nonexclusivity is presently rubbing salt in my inexperience. I'm the one who calls her my slew of pet names, runs my fingers through her hair, kisses her, SLEEPS with her... ::sighs:: in the end, I guess it'll be me. Really, the best of consolation prizes (Clearly, this is me expressing my weakest at all these bits about Jenn and James; really, it's far more manageable than this. 90% of the time. GOD so weak.)

On the plus side, I've been mostly pretty good at not snapping and saying awful things, though I came a little too close to the edge when I told Jenn that I couldn't keep reassuring her that her sleeping with James was okay, because I'm the one that called her, upset and borderline inoperable; needing consolation, I wound up being the consoler, which is a little silly, but not quite retarded, which is what I called it. I use the term lightly, and overwhelmingly in reference to myself than others, but it still needs to leave the speech patterns, curse how impressionable the speech patterns are. The point being that my greatest impediment to a harmonious relationship with Jenn is getting worked on. I really needed to talk to her before going to bed tonight; sleeping is never easy on lots of sleep, lots of food, and no exercise, and this would be bad enough even if I were exhausted. Boards of Canada it is, barring another round of Orbital II.

Another plus side is spending more time with Leah, though it's rather countered by spending less time with Anne. I only wish it felt better to do so, not that it did even before the whole bloody mess with Christian and ether and agh, what a stupid story. Curiously enough, she was reportedly playing at learning Voldo at SC2, which makes me MOST excited, since she claimed that she never played these sorts of games (too competitive, and/or something). I'm thrilled, but I'm sharpening the good anti-Voldo characters, too. I found Keith's (MAN, I miss that kid) old TV on which video editing took place over the summer and sacrificed to the temporary cause of gameage, so hopefully all the fat that I put on through eating well and general apathy can come off soon via the old course of DD-fucking-R. I'm pulling out all the numbing activities: Soul Calibur (Two, this time around), DDR music, small talk with the boys, etc...My computer has been even more troubling, occasionally requiring the hardest of resets: removing the battery and unplugging the power cord. Man, I wanted to get to bed early.

Music: A lot of the Smiths, really. I await the obligatory "aw, that's no good, dude" in reply to my assertion of the virtue of "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now."

:: Aziz 3:43 AM [+] ::
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