:: a.whisper.in.water ::

:: Tuesday, March 22, 2005 ::

[ …I’m coming to find you / if it takes me all night… ]

Um, I guess some sort of drama-laden-warning goes here. I’m not too inclined to eighty-six the emotions that mandate this post. I’m sorry, for this among an infinity of other things.

In spite of how absurdly tumultuous my relationship with Jenn has been, I’d never imagined myself ever typing these words, these statements of cold fact: a nasty signpost indeed. (Spit it out, spit it out…take a deep breath, drop the pretense of your fucking perfectionist language, go, speak, spititallout…)

She’s checked herself (or has been checked into, or some combination of the two) the NYU Med Center for the next couple of days as a measure of protection against herself. I don’t know if I’ll get to hear from her during her time there. I need to call her friends and tell them that she’s there, presumably absurdly suicidal, even relative to her bridge-burning, escapism-prone norm. Holy God, do I fucking dread telling her friends, her parents, and the entangled Rachel. How could anyone understand the totality of it, the ebb and flow of false resolution and broken hope, the frustration of futility, and the eventual self-disintegration of the single thing in the world I love the most?

I’m sickened, shaking perpetually and sinking my teeth into my arms at the thoughts of what conspired to drive her there. I know that it’s largely circumstantial, due in no small part to a profound lack of sleep and absurd academic overload, but I vehemently curse my lack of patience, my unsheathed contempt for her weakness of character, and whatever dysfunction elicits my worst to the people whom I love the most; I am nontrivially responsible, and even though the instigation and perpetuation lies mostly with Jenn, forgiving myself seems unthinkable.

I got a very brief, sobbed conversation with her from inside the hospital before she had to go. I got to tell her that I love her, and to hear that she (still) loves me, no small relief given how heated things have been the past few days. The exchange was downright cinematic, emotional fingertips and rapid, intense exchanges straining at closing doors.

I love her too much to think about this all at once…I’m fucking terrified at what this means, and what might have happened, and the prospect that this might ever happen again. I don’t want to put my girlfriend in a psych ward when she most desperately needs me to keep her sane.

Oh my God, did I ever fuck up this one. Sweet Jesus, do I suck.

And yet, I remain doggedly optimistic that this will help things at road’s end. The mantra of limitless damage control: “Everything’s going to be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.” I can only begin to wonder what I need to do to help her, though…I desperately need to, I absolutely fucking have to. I have no idea what’s going to happen next, and the possibilities scare me to tears, if I give them a voice.

Here’s to the best of all possible outcomes. Now I fucking pray, and try not to be consumed.

I’m so sorry, to one and all, but especially to her.

Music: Not comprehensive.

• Blur – “Tender,” “No Distance Left To Run.”
• The Cardigans – “Great Divide,” “Paralyzed.”
• Spiritualized – “Cool Waves.”
• Slowdive – “When The Sun Hits.”
• Björk – “All Is Full Of Love,” “Bachelorette,” “It’s Not Up To You.”
• Elliott Smith – “Waltz #1,” “Bled White,” “Everything Means Nothing To Me.”
• The Cure – “End.”
• The Smashing Pumpkins – “A Night Like This,” “Perfect,” “This Time.”
• Sigur Rós – “Untitled #3 (Samskeyti)”
• M83 – “Don’t Save Us From The Flames,” “Teen Angst,” “Moon Child.”
• Radiohead – “How To Disappear Completely,” “Like Spinning Plates (Live).”

:: Aziz 3:54 PM [+] ::
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Comments:

you've got good taste in music :)..

# posted by  Anonymous : 12:41 AM, March 29, 2005

 

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