:: a.whisper.in.water ::
::
i'm.okay : how're.you? : thanks.for.asking : thanks.for.asking ::| [::archive::] |
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| [::link.portal::] |
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| :: cheater [>] |
:: Sunday, May 15, 2005 ::
[ an unhealthy dose of perspective: ]
Tonight is the last night I will ever spend in my own dorm room (barring post-Bach studies, and even then, big fat maybe, and I'd be at UMD, which reeks of unsentimentality). These walls, these walls echoed in the rooms of my friends, will never be mine own again. Every hour precious, a silent cellphone an insult to the gravity of the evening.
Tonight was my last night of College. I couldn't have asked for a more suitable ending, a tiny encapsulization of It All: family disconcerts me, or otherwise upsets me, (now ex-) girlfriend is incapable of comforting me. Friends and a Merry Fucking Night make it okay, tolerable, livable, joyous.
I suppose the trick is to make sure I don't start feeling it all again before I go to sleep, or else I'll never wake up by nine.
The Cold Hard Truths:
-The odds of me ever being around such an absolutely amazing group of people is disgustingly low.
-I will probably never see so, so many of these people ever again.
-I will be graduating (involuntarily) single.
-The nostalgia alone might kill me.
-I will no longer have any shield against the massive dysfunction of family life.
Here comes the rest of my life, I suppose. Yippie.
The next two weeks are bound to be absolutely hellish, kept sane pretty much by sheer force of will (and an appropriately high dose of Rachelosity), until I can talk to her again, maybe. I constantly get "I can't do this," which is far from reassuring, I must say. We share so much; this impulse for distance FAILS to fall in that category.
I feel myself grasping for a time when I was Happy, things were untainted...I feel myself drifting from vacation to vacation, up and down both coasts, hearing the music of those days.
Consolation: I WILL see people again. I will play music again. These things simply must be so. Rather like my waking up in 5 hours.
In the meantime, I can look forward to another month or so with al3x, long evenings with Landau, the joytarded company of my brother, the best eating ever, numerous visits to the summerfolks, and (In sh'Allah) renewed, fruitful, communication with Jenn.
I'm simply out of time. Come tomorrow, we have no choice but to Move On.
Music: The Velvet Underground - Walk On The Wild Side. Y'know, just 'cause it's good to sleep to.
:: Aziz 3:35 AM [+] ::
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